Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
- Isaiah 41:10
That’s it! I can’t bear this any longer.This pain lingers in my life for a long time now and I don’t know how to handle this...
First, I cannot bear this pain in my body. I don’t know how to handle this.
Every time I walk around and see these guys who are far TALLER, LOOKS BETTER, MORE BUFF, and HAVE MORE TREASURES THAN ME, I GET INSECURED. I envy them because almost all of them do not experience the PAIN NO. 2 (Keep reading to know more about this pain no. 2) But me, who is STOUT, SHORT, NOT SO GOOD LOOKING, SKINNY, POOR, though How much I tried, I cannot be proud of my physical qualities (except for the fact that I’m an AB blooded organism. Quite rare? Hehe) because my qualities are the qualities of the people who are, most of the time, bullied and treated like a loser. Like in the movies, we are the one who always receive painful words, number of punches, etc.
Second, I cannot bear this pain in my heart. I don’t know how to handle this.
I've been a HOPELESS ROMANTIC since the first time I felt the thing they called “Love” (Eros in this context).
I have a declaration (and everytime I say this, many people won’t believe me) – I NEVER HAD ONE! It’s just so painful especially when I walk around and I see this couple holding their hands and walking together – happy. It’s also painful that you are the only one in your batch who did not experienced EROS. And the most painful part of this is when THE PERSON YOU LOVE DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK but rather, LOVED SOMEONE ELSE AS MUCH AS YOU LOVED HER. I always experienced ONE WAY/ SINGLE DIRECTION RELATIONSHIP. (In other words, I wasn't loved back)
Last, I cannot bear this pain in my soul. I don’t know how to handle this.
I've been a HYPOCRITE.
I keep on inspiring other people but I myself is full of DESPERATION.
I keep on igniting the hope in other people’s lives but I myself is HOPELESS.
I keep on helping other people heal their painful lives but I myself is BROKENHEARTED.
I keep on telling other people to love other people especially their enemies but I HATE AND CANNOT ACCEPT MYSELF FOR WHO I REALLY AM.
I keep on telling other people to LOVE AND TRUST GOD but, to be honest, I sometimes doubt Him everytime other people, who are not so good, are more blessed than me. I GET ENVIOUS.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO MEND THIS PAIN.
Many priests told me to prioritize and to be more patient. Yes, this is a solution but only a part of the entire system. These solutions provided to me are (I guess) placed in the middle. This is not good at the start. I feel that there should be a solution made before these two.
Aside from being a Catholic who actively participate in Sacraments, I am also part of two Catholic Charismatic Communities (Light of Jesus Family and Couples for Christ – Youth for Christ). I regularly attend the prayer meeting of the Light of Jesus Family called “The Feast”. I also serve three different clusters simultaneously in CFC-YFC community.
I thought that being a part of these communities would help me heal the pain BUT NOT ENTIRELY. I get to know God more through this communities but I AM NOT COMPLETELY HEALED.
At first, serving simultaneously seems to help but as time pass by, I GET EXHAUSTED especially (I admit) when I serve WITHOUT MY HEART.
I tried to seek healing and acceptance from other people but this just intensified my pain. I GREW MORE DEPENDENT and this BROUGHT MORE PAIN IN MY LIFE. I realized, with the help of a known speaker, that I SHALL NOT SEEK FROM OTHER PEOPLE WHAT ONLY GOD CAN PROVIDE. I SEEK SECURITY AND PEACE, LOVE, and WORTH from other people. NOW, In order for the perfect healing to happen...
I SHALL SURRENDER TO GOD...
I think that for you to be more focused and more patient, you must first experience personally the love of God for you. I pray to have a JESUS EXPERIENCE in my life...I don’t want to be confined in Darkness. I want to be in the Light of His presence.
