Self Denial & Delayed Gratification

"Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:43-45 (NIV)

Before, pangarap ko lang ang maglingkod. Simula noong pumasok ako sa YFC-UST, sobrang nainspire na ako magmahal ng tao.

Two years ago, naging member ako ng YFC-UST Dance Ministry. Sobrang masaya ang naging experience ko. Sobrang bait ng tao. Sobrang saya talaga. Ang sarap maging member. Inaalagaan ka, minamahal ka, etc. After one year, na tap ako maging head ng ministry na iyon. I said yes kasi sobrang ganda ng naging experience ko pero after some time, SOBRANG NAHIRAPAN AKO. Ang daming oppression. Nahirapan ako maging head kasi una, bumaba grades ko. Pangalawa, ang hirap i handle ng buong ministry kung nakapag focus ka lang sa isang tao. Pangatlo, hindi ako naging magaling na head. Yung tipong head ka pero parang ikaw parin ang pinagsisilbihan. Ang dami kong naging mali. Ang sakit! Pero alam ko naman na may plano si God sakin kung bakit nangyari iyon. At medyo narerelalize ko na ngayon ang message Niya sa akin. 

Una, ang paglilingkod al laging kaakibat ng matinding pagsasakripisyo. Sa paglilingkod, dapat may Self Denial & Delayed Gratification. Dapat kapag naglilingkod tayo, isinasantabi natin ang ating sarili at kagustuhan at kapag naglilingkod tayo, dapat hindi tayo nagmamadali makuha ang ating mga pangarap. 

Pangalawa, magtiwala kay God. Noong head pa ako, naging less ang faith ko sa kanya. Akala ko kaya ko gawin mag-isa. Akala ko I can handle my grades all by myself. Consistent DL kasi ako habang member pa lang ako so akala ko kaya ko na pero ayun nga, nawala ako. Iyon ang isa sa pinakamalaking pagkakamali ko. Dapat naglilingkod ka, buo ang pagtitiwala mo kay God kahit na it seems that wa nang pag-asa. 

Pangatlo, magmahal lang. Noong naglilingkod ako, naging mayabang ako kasi Head nga ako eh. Pero narealize ko na dapat pag naglilingkod ka, kahit gaano kataas ang posisyon mo, maging humble at magmahal ka lang.

Oo, nagkamali ako pero hindi sumuko si God sa akin. Alam kong gusto Niya akong gawin na magaling na Servant. Hindi ko inakala na sobrang ganito na lang ako maglilingkod. Dati, sa YFC-UST lang ako naglilingkod pero ngayon, tinawag ako ni God na mas maglingkod at mas magmahal pa. Now, I'm currently serving CFC-YFC-UST as Dance Ministry Member and Creatives Ministry Member, CFC-YFC-South B3 as a Household Servant Leader, and CFC-YFC-South B9 as a Servant Member. Oo, mukhang imposible na ang ginagawa ko at mukhang pinapatay ko na ang sarili ko. Paano ba naman, 3 Lugar ang pinaglilingkuran ko ng sabay sabay. Pero nagtitiwala lang ako kay God kahit na gaano ito kahirap, alam kong tutulungan Niya ako. Alam ko na ito ang plano Niya sa akin kasi ito ang pangarap ko. Bring 1000 people closer to God before I die and this a way to bring them closer to God. I will love them and let them experience the Love of God. On the process, I may inspire them to be closer to God and maybe, start serving God through service to other people.

Everything, Good or Bad, must come to an END

Nothing is permanent.

Today, I had confession and it was really my first time to hear a priest's advises to be so concrete and practical. I used to hear that "My son, pray for it" or what but this priest gave me practical solutions to my problems and I thanked God for that.

One thing I realized about his advises was EVERYTHING MUST COME TO AN END. Just like what I've posted earlier, I've been experiencing unbearable problems in life and I MUST NOW COME TO AN END.

 - My grades went down and was removed from the Dean's List

 - My relationship with other people especially to a very special person to me has been growing worse

 - My family sometimes treat me differently

 - My service to a charismatic group has been very difficult

 - My faith has been growing weak and my doubt has been growing strong

These are some of the problems that brought me to the rock bottom of my life but now, THIS MUST END.

Father said that some problems must be solved right away, some could be solved on the latter part. Don't solve them all at the same time. Just one problem at a time.

And now, I should focus on finding out what is my core gift and use that to make good things and on the process, I'll grow in all aspects in life. I should prioritize things. Some things really can wait. For now I'll...

I will BELIEVE IN GOD that He only wants the best for me and nothing but the best. (My problem on faith shall be solved on the process)

I will focus on bringing my grades up and I'm Claiming the Victory in God's Mighty Name that I'll be GRADUATING AS CUM LAUDE or if possible as MAGNA CUM LAUDE and if God really wants me as SUMMA CUM LAUDE, so be it. I will focus more on my studies than before especially I'll be having my certification exam this year (It's like the board exam but in a lesser degree). (My problem on grades shall be solved on the process)

I will be more loving to my family and friends and accept them whoever they are. (My problem on relationship shall be solved on the process)

I will deny myself and I will delay gratification in order to give my all to God through serving Him and other people. (My problem on service shall be solved on the process)

And lastly, I will concentrate less on LOVE LIFE. For the past years, I've been fooled by this thing. I've been concentrating on finding my "Princess" and this expedition of mine has not brought me joy for, though I've given my all to those "princess", (I've been doing all sorts of things just to make them smile, I've been awake till late night and, sometimes, even daybreak, just to talk to them, I've been spending a lot, I've been faithful to them, and I've been ENDURING THE PAIN brought by another suitors and/ or possible rejections) all I received from them is the PAIN OF REJECTION. They never reciprocated the things I gave them. (Yes! You are right! I've been rejected all the time and no one had ever given me their SWEET YES) This pain MUST END and the solution I see is CONCENTRATING LESS on this aspect of my life. Yes, It's hard for me to do this because I sometimes envy other couples that surround me (Yung iba sa couple na ito, dapat AKO YUNG GUY pero ayun nga, nganga ako) but I'll have to give this a try and I think that these rejections are ways of God to tell me that there are more things to life than these relationships. (My problem on love life shall be solved on the process)

I may fail along the way. I may fall very hard. I may hit the bedrock of my life but I know these things happened because it must and meant to happen in my life. It may be painful but this pain will make me grow to a better person. I must face the failures with faith.

Love? Family? I don't think so

My life has been miserable and incomplete. All I want is to be loved but look what I’ve found, pain.

Sigh. Yung inaasahan mo na ang unang magmamahal sa iyo ay ang pamilya mo, hanggang pangarap na lang. Sigawan dito, sigawan doon. Bangayan dito, bangayan doon. Sisi dito, sisi doon. Sobrang hirap ng sitwasyon ko kasi ang dami ko nan gang problema, pati ba naman sa bahay, wala akong makitang kapayapaan.

This is the main reason why, somehow, I don’t want to stay at home. Feeling ko kasi ako yung black sheep. Not loved, not given worth, not given importance, etc. Oo, they provide me with all my MATERIAL NEEDS ONLY. They cannot provide me emotional and spiritual needs. That’s what I really need.

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay yung ama na sobrang papahalagahan kung sino ako, handing tanggapin ang pagkakamali na nagawa niya, at yung handing magpakumbaba, maintindihan lang ako hindi yung SISIGAWAN KA LAGI KAPAG MAY MALI KA, MINSAN AYAW MANIWALA SA AKIN, AT SASABIHIN “SINO BA ANG TATAY SA ATIN?”

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay yung ina na puno ng kapayapaan at pagtitiwala hindi yung SISGAWAN KA NA LANG AT KUNG MINSAN, AYAW MANIWALA SA AKIN.

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay yung kapatid na kasangga ko sa lahat ng bagay at lagging aagapay sa akin hindi yung KAKAMUHIAN KANG NAGING KAPATID KA NIYA AT WALANG PAG GALANG SA AKIN.

Sabihin niyo nga, komplikado ba yung mga bagay na hinihiling ko. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay yung pagmamahal at pagaaruga na tama hini yung parang ituring kang HAYOP. Ang sakit lang isipin na KAHIT SA PAMILYA KO HINDI KO MAILABAS ANG PROBLEMA KO SA BUHAY KO KASI HINDI SILA NAGTITIWALA SA AKIN.

Nasabi nga sakin minsan na “HINDI KA KAILANGAN DITO SA PAMAMAHAY NA ITO” Sa loob loob ko lang, kung pwede nga lang eh, ako na mismo ang lalayas kasi sobrang nasasaktan na ako sa pamamahay na ito. Imbis na ito ang pangnahing pagkukunan ko ng lakas, ito pa ang pangunahing nagpapahina sa akin.

Hindi ko rin naman sa kanila masabi kasi MATATAAS PRIDE NILA EH, SA SOBRANG TAAS, HINDI NILA MARIRINIG ANG BOSES NG HAMPASLUPANG TULAD KO. Wala naman silang pakialam sa akin.

For sure, kapag nabasa nila ito, sisigawan lang nila ako at sasabihin, “BAKIT KA NAG SULAT NG GANITO?! HINDI KA BA NAHIYA SAMAKAKABASA NITO?!” Well, isa lang masasabi ko, kapag sinigawan nila ako, isa lang ibig sabihin, Sa hinaba haba ng sinulat ko at lahat lahat, hindi tumagos sa puso nila ang nais kong sabihin sa kanila na MAHAL KO SILA. OO, may mga pagkukulang ako. Inaamin ko yon. At dahil mahal ko sila, pilit kong iniintindi ang ugali nila, kahit sobra na akong nasasaktan. Sana naman making naman sila sa akin kahit ngayon lang pero imposible kasi mataas nga sila eh. Hindi ko sila maabot at kaya nga nila ako sinisigawan kasi kahit kalian, hindi nila kayang magpakumbaba..........kahit sa sarili nilang anak at kapatid. 

Coming Back Home

Home is a place where we feel peace and harmony. It may or may not be in our own house but the thing is home is a place where we feel safe.

Home for me is doing things I love like drawing, doing artwork, and having a colorful life. 

For some years now, my life has lingered in darkness and shadow. I should have taken AB Multimedia Arts or any related programs but something happened in my life and now, I kept on doing things that I don't love. Yes, I'm now used to those things and I don't feel pain in it but i felt something missing. I felt like there are no color in my life. Because of this, I would try to go back home, drawing.

Yes, I will try to see if I can still manage to draw with my heart and pencil connected with each other. At first, it may be hard for me to do an artwork because of those years without any practice but I won't give up because I believe that this is my home and I will find peace in every artwork I do because I put my whole heart in it.

Songs and Lyrics that changed my Life: Part Fifteen

While I'm Waiting

John Waller

I'm waiting 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

And I am hopeful 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

Though it is painful 

But patiently, I will wait 

I will move ahead, bold and confident 

Taking every step in obedience 

While I'm waiting 

I will serve You 

While I'm waiting 

I will worship 

While I'm waiting 

I will not faint 

I'll be running the race 

Even while I wait 

I'm waiting 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

And I am peaceful 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

Though it's not easy 

But faithfully, I will wait 

Yes, I will wait 

I will move ahead, bold and confident 

Taking every step in obedience 

While I'm waiting 

I will serve You 

While I'm waiting 

I will worship 

While I'm waiting 

I will not faint 

I'll be running the race 

Even while I wait 

I will move ahead, bold and confident 

Taking every step in obedience 

While I'm waiting 

I will serve You 

While I'm waiting 

I will worship 

While I'm waiting 

I will not faint 

I'll be running the race 

Even while I wait 

I will serve You while I'm waiting 

I will worship while I'm waiting 

I will serve You while I'm waiting 

I will worship while I'm waiting 

I will serve you while I'm waiting 

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Sign of Love: Rejection

Have you been rejected by someone? Sa school (ng mga classmates, schoolmates, teachers, or officials)? Sa bahay (parents, siblings, etc.)? Sa organizations? Sa workplace? and sa pinakamadalas na aspeto, Love life? Well, kung ako tatanungin, ABA, LAHAT ng rejections, naranasan ko na. 

-Na reject na ako sa school. Yung mga pinaghirapan mong  projects and reports, babalewalain lang ng teachers/ professors mo. 

-Sa bahay naman, naranasan ko na ding makarinig ng "Sana di na lang kita naging kamag anak/ anak", "Kung hindi ka susunod, lumayas ka! HINDI KA NAMIN KAILANGAN SA PAMAMAHAY NA ITO"

-Sa organizations, Ang pangit daw ng artworks na gawa ko

-And sa lovelife, Well, Ayun, ALWAYS REJECTED SINCE BIRTH. I've tried my best to give my all and to do what's best for them but then, REJECTED, not once, not twice, not thrice, but almost 10 times (I hope di na mag 10)

But then, I realized two things about rejection.

First point: Whenever we do something wrong towards our brothers and sisters or maybe whenever we commit sin, WE REJECT GOD

Let's say God is a true lover and Devil is a playboy. (For comparison purposes only) Well, ano ba ang characteristics ng playboy. Playboy ay yung tao na kahit may love na, nakuha pading makipaglandian sa iba. Though ang gaganda ng mga sinasabi nila, ang sarap niya kausap, in the end, MASASAKTAN LANG TAYO SA KANYA. True lover naman ay yung IBIBIGAY ANG LAHAT MAPASAYA LANG YUNG INIIBIG NIYA and hindi siya nagsasabi ng magagandang bagay na wala naman satin pero sinasabi niya yung imperfections natin but then He tries to help us na maayos yung imperfections na iyon. Mos people tend to FALL EASILY SA MGA PLAYBOY without realizing na sobrang masasaktan sila. Only those who open themselves and are wiling to wait ang nagkakaroon ng true love. Oo, masarap magkasala eh pero sa huli, tayo ang kawawa. If we chose to wait and do good, though minsan masakit, in the end, tayo ang panalo. Sa sobrang love ni God satin, HE GAVE UP HIS GLORY IN HEAVEN AND HIS LOVE JUST TO SAVE US. THERE IS NO GREATER LOVE THAN THAT.

Second point: Whenever we feel that God is not answering our prayers, JUST WAIT AND SEE

Naranasan mo na ba na tila WALANG DIYOS? Kasi walang kasagutan sa mga panalangin at tanong mo? Well, what I had learned sa Feast PICC, GOD IS A GOD WHO LOVES THE JOURNEY THAN THE DESTINY. God is a God who likes being with you along the way than being with you in the finish line. This is because it is during the journey that a person grows. And God also knows what is the best for you so whenevere He say NO, don't be sad because He will give you the answer which is far better than what you've asked for.

Remember, rejections are like detours. Though the road through in may be rough and full of dirt, darkness, and uncertainty, it will lead us towards our dreams faster than taking the ordinary road and also, trough these detours, we experience GOD'S LOVE more. We just have to trust in God. remember, HE IS THE LIGHT OF OUR LIFE.

Sign of Love: Pain: Part Three

This will be the last part of the series. 

Before, I asked God to make me an instrument of His love and to inspire others and help others in their problems. Now, I realized that GOD is letting me experience A LOT of pain in my life SO THAT I may be able to help other people because just like what I have said in my earlier blog posts, ONLY THOSE WHO HAD EXPERIENCED THE SAME PAIN CAN HELP THOSE PEOPLE WITH THAT KIND OF PAIN. I believe that this is the reason my He let me experience A LOT of PAIN. But even though He allow this to happen, I BELIEVE that HE IS WITH ME IN MY FIGHT. HE NEVER ABANDONED OR FORSAKE ME. 

Whenever we feel that things happen against our will or maybe we keep on waiting and waiting for something to happen but nothing seems to happen, remember, God has something GREAT in store for you. NEVER GIVE UP!   

Speaking Words I never thought I'd say

My Dream #7

"To be able to speak fluently and be a powerful speaker that will inspire many people. This shall happen by 2017"

Since 2011, I wanted to inspire others through the words I will say and I never thought it would happen.

Two weeks ago, I was invited by a friend of mine who is also the head in YFC South B9 to give a talk on a youth camp. At first, I was afraid because I don't want to be rejected and I don't want to see my audience get bored when I speak but I realized, this is the first step in achieving my dreams, to conquer my fears. Because of this, I accepted the invitation. 

I was so nervous on the day I was to deliver my talk but I prayed to God to use my nervousness to inspire and help the youth know more about God. And yes, God did not failed me! They are very attentive listening to me and I see smiles in their faces. 

Yes, I know, I still have failures in this thing but I know, I will grow more because God is there to help me and He will never leave me alone. I will just do this for His Glory. 

I never thought that from a Youth Camp Participant, I would be a Youth Camp Speaker! I thank God for answering my dreams and prayers!